Library of Paradise

The Library of Paradise is not a physical place. It is an idea. A lifestyle obtainable by any that choose to seek it. We all have the ability within us to change into the person we dare dream of. There was a time in my life I truly believed happiness was a myth. There was no way all of those smiles and laughter were organic. Everybody must be doing drugs.  They were just better at keeping it a secret than I was.

I’ve overdosed and nearly died four times from drugs.  The amount of oxygen in my body was so low my body turned more blue than blue. Three shots of Narcan was forced into me to stop the opiates from killing me. I didn’t mean to take it that far…

In the 1980’s President Reagan enforced the war on drugs campaign. I respectfully disagree. I declare war on addiction. Addiction uses drugs as weapons against us to defeat us.

I wish it was as easy as placing blame on the drug itself. I can’t blame the pharmaceutical companies for creating the drugs and making such enormous profits. I cant blame the person who introduced me to the drug in the first place. Heck, I can’t blame mother earth for giving birth to the poppy plant to begin with.

Addiction is not a problem. Addiction is a solution. The problem is pain from past trauma and so we solve the problem by using drugs and escaping the pain momentarily.

What I need is not symptom control or judgement. I need help to heal from my past trauma.

I entered my first AA meeting as soon as I got home from college. From there I went to approximately over ten detoxes, rehab, halfway house, numerous therapists, group therapy, AA, NA, CA and others. They all had beneficial knowledge and wisdom to pass on.

In the western model for combating addiction we have the doctor or psychologist who is the expert and we have the addict who is the disease infected patient. Here, the cultural depiction of addicts is usually thought of as desperate, but without letting us tell them why we are desperate or why we are the way we are. So by prejudging us before meeting us and then seeing us desperate for drugs, but without an explanation as to what is driving our desperation, we look dysfunctional causing the therapist or professional to feel unpleasant.

So now there is no three dimensional sense of reality of why I am the way I am because I’ve never been given the time to explain myself. Due to the therapist’s or professional’s schooling and training their mindset is, “It is my job to cure him. I’ll offer him a pill.”

Not this time! This time I am not looking at addiction as a disease. Addiction is a sign or signal telling me my body and mind is in distress. There is something that need’s to be understood. I must discover the cause of the distress, confront it, understand it, and then over come it.

Addiction is more like a toxic relationship rather than a disease.

Why do I keep going back to the ex-gf or ex-bf after they cheat on me and lie to me?  Why do I keep doing drugs after I overdose and nearly die four times?  Because both things took away the pain and any feelings of discomfort, even if it was momentary.  I finally felt the way I was supposed to feel.

I’ve learned how to love thyself first and in doing so taught me how to move on from relationships. Now, for the first time I don’t even want to be in one. Freedom!!!!

I have almost 18 months of peace and happiness.

Today, my favorite day of the week is any that ends in, “y” and my most favorite person to be around is myself. Self-care isn’t selfish. It is as important as air and water. Took me until now to realize that. The Library of Paradise is a collection of everything I’ve learned from my journey of addiction and bipolar depression and how I overcame it all.

“It is important that we remain anonymous because we are too few, at present, to handle the overwhelming number of personal appeals which may result from this publication.” Foreword To The First Edition on page xiii in the AA book by Bill and Bill.

I live on Long Island, New York. We are no longer only a few. We are many. I am no longer ashamed of who I am. I will stand up for myself. I will fight back. The Library of Paradise welcomes all.

Please feel free to roam the site and gather as much information as you need.